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How to Stop the Two Most Common Forms of Self-Sabotage

21/11/2018

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How to Stop the Two Most Common Forms of Self-Sabotage
What to do when self-sabotage keeps you from getting what you want.
Jennice Vilhauer PhD
Sep 30, 2018

There are lots of obstacles to getting what you want in life, but self-sabotage is probably the biggest one that stops most people. Why would anyone self-sabotage their own efforts to improve their life? It’s a complicated question best answered on an individual basis by some soul-searching work with a therapist. However, there are a couple of very common forms of self-sabotage that, once you recognize them in your own life, you can begin to address even if you don’t know why exactly you do them.

1. Arguing for your limitations
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We all know what this looks like. Imagine the friend who asks for help, and every suggestion you offer is met with a reason why it won’t work. When someone argues for their limitations, there is a tendency to use the circumstances of their life as an explanation for why they can’t do the things that would help them succeed. I am sick, I am depressed, I had lousy parents, my spouse doesn’t love me, I don’t have the experience I need, I am over-qualified, I don’t have enough time or money. 

The hardships in life are real. We all have them. Limitations are everywhere, because life is anything but fair. But arguing for the reasons why you can’t do something to improve your situation will only keep you stuck exactly where you are. The way our attention process works, the more we focus on something, the bigger it gets in our mind. The more you think about something, the more it becomes the basis for your actions. When you give your attention to the reasons why you can’t do something and accept it as a limitation, your brain won’t generate ideas and solutions for how to overcome the limitations. 

Instead of arguing for your limitations, try arguing for your right to live well. When you argue for your right to live well, you are putting your focus and attention on the reasons why the hardships and limitations in life won’t stop you. You are fighting for why you can do something, instead of why you can’t. As you do this, you open up the solution-generating part of your brain to start coming up with ideas and ways to overcome your limitations, because you are telling it to do so. When you look for solutions, that is when you find them. 

An easy exercise to get the process started is to simply write down a list of 10 reasons why you know you can succeed at whatever the goal is you are trying to achieve. If you’ve been focused on why you can’t for a while, then this will be a little challenging. That’s a good thing. Look for past examples of times when you’ve accomplished difficult things. Think about what traits and characteristics you have that got you through those hard times. Then read your list over every day, until “I can because…” becomes the dominant feeling on the subject. 

2. Engaging in negative self-talk

Arguing for you limitations tends to be about your external circumstances, while negative self-talk has more to do with how you view yourself, although there can certainly be overlap. Negative self-talk is the inner dialogue in your head that says things to you that you would never dream of saying to anyone else: I am stupid, I am fat, I am ugly, I am a phony, I am never going to get it done, etc. Negative self-talk is based on your self-concept, or more specifically your beliefs about who you are and what you can accomplish. Your beliefs determine which actions you are willing to take and consequently what you do in life. 

The antidote to negative self-talk isn’t to just quiet the inner critical voice in your head — you must also replace the negative talk with more compassionate statements to yourself: I am trying, I am learning, it’s OK if I make a mistake sometimes, I don’t have to be perfect, etc. Reach for thoughts that feel like an improvement, but are still within the realm of what you know is true about yourself, like: Sometimes when I try, I can succeed. When you choose phrases that are hopeful, but not absolute, you are more likely to buy into their truth, and they won’t sound so fake. When you stick with picking improved thoughts, eventually you get to the place you want to be — I really do like myself. If this seems like a hard thing to do, I would suggest reading the book Self-Compassion by psychologist Kristin Neff.

Once you are able to be a little kinder to yourself, then you can move to the second phase of working on your self-esteem by creating more positive self-statements about what you are capable of accomplishing. Remember, what you say to yourself is the foundation for your actions. If you don't tell yourself something is possible, you won't act on it. In order to achieve the things you want in life, you often have to be your own cheerleader, believe in your abilities, and tell yourself that you can do it. To work on your positive self-talk further, I would recommend the book Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay, which is a step-by-step guide to help you improve your overall self-confidence. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/experts/jennice-vilhauer-phd

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Ultimate Relaxation: Top Tips For Effective Unwinding

2/11/2018

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Ultimate Relaxation: Top Tips for Effective Unwinding 
Hannah
19/10/18

If you had a device attached to you that could detect when you entered a state of complete relaxation, how many times would it have tracked over the past week? Honestly. How about in the past month?

For many of us, the number would likely be low and in some cases zero. We must take heed of the fact that not allowing ourselves adequate time for relaxation can have a devastating effect on our health and wellbeing.

Energy is a finite resource and we can literally run out, or in other words burn out. The fact is our bodies require rest to perform at their best and much of the time what we consider to be relaxing, either doesn't serve to effectively calm our nervous systems or fails to even materialise.

It's time we started taking relaxation more seriously and made a conscious effort to lower the amount of cortisol (stress hormone) in our bodies. These top tips won't come as a revelation, but perhaps they will act as a reminder to do one or all of them over the coming days.

Listen to some soothing music​
Music makes you feel things. It has been scientifically proven, and you will know it from your own experience of watching a film, or hearing a song you love come on radio. The level of emotion that music can evoke within us is sometimes quite profound. Time to employ the power of music for the pursuit of relaxation.

Soak in a deep, relaxing bathBaths can be deeply soothing for physically tired bodies and emotionally drained minds. Use essential oils for aromatherapy, bath salts for achy muscles and create a relaxing atmosphere with candles and a bit of softly playing music. Allow yourself enough time to properly soak and feel the stress melt away.

Practice breathing & meditation
How often do you allow your body and mind to be completely still, while you are awake and fully conscious. I'm going to hazard a guess and say that it's pretty rare. Visualise your emotional state like a pool of water. When you are stressed out the water is choppy, with sediment from the bottom disturbed and brought to the surface.
When you meditate, or consciously bring about a state of tranquillity within the mind and the body, then the water has a chance to settle properly. The ripples subside, the sediment drifts down to rest on the bottom and the pool becomes like the surface of a mirror. This is equivalent to entering a state of complete serenity and one of the most powerful ways of rejuvenating body and soul.

Take a walk in nature
Immersing yourself in nature is a powerful tonic for the stresses of modern day life. Countless studies have backed this up and it's quickly apparent when you try it for yourself. Inhaling deep lungfuls of fresh air and marvelling at the world in its natural form resets overthinking brains and refreshes positive emotions.

Make time for something you enjoy
We don't always prioritise spending time doing things that make us happy and bring about a sense of innate calm. It can be regarded as a waste of time or pointless, however this could not be further from the truth. Time spent in this way provides us with the clarity, self assurance and mental stability to be of real use in our endeavours and to those around us.

​Hannah
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